Growing Up, One Responsibility at a Time
There is some new language being used as our kids head back to school this year, and I love it. Both of our children are starting at new schools, one at 13 and one at 9, so the expectations are naturally different. Still, the message coming from both schools has been remarkably similar. Students should communicate for themselves, take ownership of their work, ask questions when they need help, and begin learning how to solve problems on their own. Parents should remain supportive, but increasingly in the background.
That philosophy resonates with me. Like most parents, my instinct is to help. If there is a problem, I want to solve it. If there is confusion, I want to clarify it. If an assignment gets missed or something goes wrong, I know how easy it would be to send the email, explain the circumstances, or smooth out the situation. Sometimes that is necessary. But increasingly, I am convinced that stepping in too quickly can take away some of the very experiences our kids need in order to grow.
At 13, taking responsibility may mean communicating directly with a teacher, asking for clarification about an assignment, managing deadlines, or dealing with the consequences of being unprepared. At 9, responsibility looks different. It may mean remembering what belongs in the backpack, keeping track of homework, asking for help, or understanding that schoolwork belongs primarily to the student. The expectations should match the age, but the underlying premise can remain the same. Their lives are gradually becoming theirs to manage.
I actually want my kids to make some mistakes along the way. I want them to forget something occasionally, misunderstand an expectation, have an uncomfortable conversation, or make a decision they later realize was not their best one. Those moments are rarely enjoyable for a parent to watch, but they create opportunities that constant intervention removes. A child who learns how to recover from a missed assignment is developing skills that will eventually help with a missed deadline at work. A child who learns how to talk with a teacher about a problem is beginning to develop the confidence to communicate with professors, employers, colleagues, and other adults later in life.
Parenting today makes intervention particularly easy. We can monitor grades, assignments, schedules, emails, calendars, and countless other details that previous generations of parents simply could not see. That access can be useful, but access does not require action. Sometimes the better choice is to know what is happening and still allow our children to work through it themselves.
I am not sure I like how quickly they are getting older. There are days when I would gladly slow the whole process down. At the same time, I love seeing the growth that comes with it. My role is gradually changing from managing much of their lives to helping them learn how to manage their own.
At 13 and 9, that responsibility takes vastly different forms. The long-term goal, however, is the same. We are raising adults. Every time we allow our kids to communicate, struggle, solve a problem, recover from a mistake, and take ownership of another small part of their lives, we are helping prepare them for the much larger responsibilities still ahead.
