Adversity—For Players and The Coach---And What It Can Mean for Growth
Coaching my daughter’s third- and fourth-grade basketball team is usually a mix of fun, energy, and growth. And a bit of confusion for the coach in trying to “figure out” 8/9/10 year old girls.
Early in the season, our team ripped off three straight wins. The girls were excited, confidence was high, and practices felt lighter because success came quickly. Then we played a team that was simply better—more experienced, more skilled, and more prepared. The game turned fast, and the score was lopsided before anyone could settle in.
What happened next became one of the more challenging coaching moments I’ve ever faced. And I have coached more than 20 different teams where my kids are playing/participating.
At halftime, two players decided they didn’t want to go back in. They weren’t hurt. They weren’t sick. They were overwhelmed and frustrated. In their minds, quitting felt easier than competing through a tough stretch. As a coach, there’s a natural instinct to correct the situation or “motivate” them back onto the court. But in that moment, pushing too hard would have created a scene and likely made the situation worse. So, I chose not to force it. Youth sports should be a place where kids learn, not a place where adults escalate emotions.
Still, their choice had consequences—real ones. They didn’t just walk away from a difficult moment; they left their teammates short-handed. The rest of the team had to play extra minutes, work harder on defense, and continue competing without two of their peers. And those teammates noticed. They weren’t angry in a dramatic way, but they were disappointed. They understood that playing a strong opponent is part of the season. They understood that sometimes you struggle, sometimes you lose, and sometimes it’s uncomfortable. But they kept going.
What the girls who stayed on the court showed was resilience. They didn’t enjoy the scoreboard, but they stayed in the game, supported each other, and played with character. That’s what youth sports should teach. You don’t control who you face. You don’t control how skilled the other team is. You do control effort, teamwork, and how you handle adversity.
The two who sat out didn’t fail because we lost; they failed because they quit on themselves and their teammates. That’s the lesson. Not punishment. Not embarrassment. Just a clear understanding that stepping away when things get tough affects more than just you.
As coaches and parents, we can use games like this to reinforce the real purpose of youth sports: learning how to face difficulty, building confidence through effort, and supporting the people around you. Wins are nice, and we enjoyed our early success. But the hard games—the ones that test character—offer the lessons that matter most.
