Episode 129: Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

Welcome to another edition of "Around with Randall" your weekly podcast for making your nonprofit more effective for your community. And here is your host, the CEO and founder of Hallett Philanthropy, Randall Hallett. What a terrific day right here on this edition of "Around with Randall."

Recently I've had a couple of experiences that I kind of began to connect the dots and I think it's something that applies to a lot of people well beyond the nonprofit space, but I think for many of us in this sector, and that's what I want to talk about today. So I'm going to give you a couple of real quick kind of window peeks into the life of Randall Hallett. It's tax season as I record this and I had a couple meetings with my accountants and some of you know this and some don't and that's either way fine, but I went to law school I started a lot of tax law and I'm pretty good with numbers and there was a couple things in the taxes I was a little caught by surprise by. Nothing major, but I have to go meet with my accountant. And I was a little apprehensive, even though I have this great background and read and and do my research on tax, and was kind of contemplative about how much do I push on these issues. Number two is, I have a book coming out which we'll talk about more here in the next month or two around the CEO and Healthcare in particularly or maybe also the c-suite and their connection to philanthropy. And I'm a little concerned about how it's going to be received. Three every day in regarding to consulting I am paid to make decisions or at least recommendations really about, based on my opinion, my experiences, how do they go over things of this nature. I even think back into my childhood in the idea of public speaking where I was fortunate enough to go all the way and and be very successful in national public speaking competitions in that fear before you get up, are you going to be accepted, is yours, are you going to be viewed as doing something positive. Even to the point, even though I look back it was kind of foolish, but I was a decent athlete in high school. Nothing spectacular but pretty good, and I would be fearful of cuts even though I know I probably was going to be the starting position in that particular sport.

What is this, all these connective tissues? And I've begun to kind of reflect on all of this, deals with imposter syndrome. And it's really relevant in today's world, particularly with the movement that we have in people with jobs in the application process, in the interview process, in the actual performance of that job once someone gets it or someone's in it. What is imposter syndrome? Well from a very basic perspective, imposter syndrome is the feeling of unworthiness, or incompetence, or the possibility of that perception. Even though there's high levels of accomplishment or success, in some ways it's not believing in yourself or being so concerned about how others are going to view you, and more likely the combination thereof. What's interesting about imposter syndrome is that it's directly connected, more often than not, to the idea of high achievers. So a clinical psychiatrist, Audrey Irvin, and I want to quote as saying it, has said there's an ongoing fear that's usually experienced by high achieving individuals that they're not going to, that they're going to be "found out" or "unmasked" as being incompetent or unable to replicate past successes.

All of those things I talked about in the beginning - the taxes, my book, consulting on a daily basis, even back into my adolescence and growing up, were all based on imposter syndromes. And I look at the jobs that I've had. Interestingly enough a little unusual, to be candid, from the day I started in this career 25 plus years ago I was a chief development officer until I got into consulting, the ultimate imposter syndrome. Am I gonna be able to do this job? Are they going to find me out?

What are the consequences and what are the aspects of imposter syndrome? So how do you know if you're kind of dealing with it? So if you have a constant viewpoint that, well, all my successes, I just got lucky, there really wasn't skill. Or you have a hard time accepting praise, and this one is incredibly hard for me, I don't like the attention when good things happen. I'd rather have someone else take the bow because I just don't want to be, have the spotlight on me, you are apologizing constantly, or maybe you look at yourself as self-deprecating, and if you work with me or know me you know I'm not sure there's a whole lot of people better at being self-deprecating than me, and I don't mean that actually in a positive way. I'm always making fun of myself. I have since I was a little kid. It gave me comfort in removing that spotlight. You have incredibly highly, if not impossible, standards, and I don't like to think of my standards being high but sometimes they are impossible to reach. The best person in the world to help me with that is actually my wife, who realized that early on and said yeah, no, let's be realistic here. There's fear and that fear can be paralyzing, or that you lack enough confidence to kind of get through the basics of what you're doing. These are all kind of signs of this, I concept of imposter syndrome.

An imposter syndrome, if enough, can have very strong negative impacts. If you continually feel like you're a fraud, if you don't, aren't able to stand up to your own expectations or, which we'll talk about here in a few minutes, the expectations of someone else, you jump into some medical concerns. So it's a, this is an important topic because things like depression, and anxiety, and performance, job performance, relationships, burnout, are all effects, outcomes of imposter syndrome. And obviously those are things that are important for us to realize in today's world. Who's taking care of you? Well you have to start and sometimes even though it appears like someone is incredibly confident and can articulate all kinds of points of view, their self view isn't the same as the external view by others because they question themselves.

Imposter Syndrome, if used correctly, can actually be a little helpful. And I think I found this most in myself that imposter syndrome can be used as a harness, if used and thought of correctly, for growth and learning. I am, and you hear me talk about it everywhere, I tell you at the end of the podcast go read the blogs, or if I'm public speaking I'm like here's my podcast, and by the way if you don't like my podcast go find somewhere else. Preparation and learning can help imposter syndrome because we feel better if we have some base knowledge of what we're getting into, and we'll talk about that here in a moment. It's also about growth. If you can challenge yourself to learn new things what you figure out, is there's growth as a human being. And by the way, this isn't just about professional life, it's personal life. It's interpersonal relationships. It's a significant other or spouse. Now after 25 years with my spouse, certainly there's ways I need to improve as a husband. But we've got a rhythm. There is a connection, a trust in each other. I don't feel like an imposter as a husband, but it's taken 25 years to get there.

Now, being a father every day feels a little bit like imposter syndrome because it's, I'm this. I'm the stagnant one. They're the dynamic one. And the things they go through as they get older each time are new to me, and a dad am, I all of these things are important. But they are directly related to our nonprofit space. And as soon as I get through this I'm going to get through the tactical aspects of ways you can help yourself if you feel a little bit of that imposter syndrome. And whatever job you have, we have a lot of movement in our industry and we're watching, if you kind of know the right people and kind of, watching things, a big transition in major leadership. Some larger systems are seeing retirements of bigger figures that have led our industry, kind of across the board, which means we're seeing new leaders moving up the chain. I deal with Chief development officers all the time, and what I'm beginning to realize is many of them have a not huge aspects, but a little bit of imposter syndrome. Like am I doing this correctly? And my consulting has become as much coaching as it is tactical in helping them believe in themselves, what they should do. We'll talk about this in a second, what their job really is. If you're a major gift officer maybe you're new to your organization or it's a new year.

I think about major gift officers and imposter syndrome. When I kind of thought about it, prepping for this, as quintessential imposter syndrome candidates even if you didn't move jobs. Can I replicate the successes I've had the year or two before? Are they going to find me out if you're new to an organization? Can I raise money the way that they expect and that I maybe have a track record for? I think another area is planned giving. There's a concept that planned giving is so complicated that I have to almost be an imposter to bring it up as a gift officer, to my prospects and donors that I work with. And because it's so anxiety ridden in terms of the conversations, I don't, they're going to figure out I don't know what I'm talking about, they don't bring it up. There's also issues of metrics and what we reward and things of that nature, but in generalities what we're talking about is, I'm so fearful that they're going to be, I'm going to be found out, that I don't know what I'm talking about. And yet I tell gift officers and train them all the time as a tax lawyer, you don't have to be a tax lawyer to talk about planned giving. You have to be a good relationship person. But that anxiety and that imposter syndrome lies in this.

Imposter syndrome can be paralyzing, particularly if things aren't going well. I, as we look at the changing nature of philanthropy, and again I talk about Nathan Chappelle and Brian kerman's book, Generosity Crisis a lot, but we're watching a diminishment of population opportunities go out the window when it comes to the potential people we can solicit and engage with for philanthropic relationships. We're below 50 percent of the population making a charitable gift, where 20 years ago we were at two-thirds of the country. So there are some situations, maybe, where things aren't going as well. And all of a sudden imposter syndrome. Do I know what I'm doing or am I doing it well? And it can, that manifestation can paralyze someone. They don't believe in me, which is really not a statement about what they believe but what you believe.

So what are the tactical things you can do to overcome imposter syndrome? Whether it's as a chief development officer, whether it's a major gift officer, whether it's as a particular area like planned giving, no matter what you do and maybe even into your personal life. And I want to talk about kind of eight small things that are opportunities for you.

Number one, learn the facts. Do your research, educate yourself, and ask questions. The more you know the more you can feel better about what you're talking about or what you're trying to get done. And this goes back to my premise that learning is a lifelong adventure. Formally or informally, if you're listening to this podcast there's something inside you that says I might learn something today. Now imposter syndrome. Here it comes. I might think you're crazy for thinking it's going to come from me, but I applaud the fact that anybody listening to this or any podcast or reading constantly are looking for ways to improve themselves, and that always helps with the concerns we have about self-view.

Number two is to be vulnerable, which you may think, wait a minute. What vulnerability in one sense is compromising of safety and basic concern. But vulnerability site from a psychology perspective and from a experiential perspective doesn't necessarily mean harm. It may mean willingness to share your feelings and to have a balance between humility and fear. I can have humility enough to admit I may not know all the aspects, and I want to ask you back to number one if you can help me better understand what we're trying to accomplish or what I need to know, and that is the book that's coming out that I'm going to be, very, I am very proud of where it's at. But when it's published I'll be very proud of it. It's all about vulnerability, about the the the deficit that occurs with many of our health care leaders because they've never had to deal with philanthropy. It is not their fault. They've been thrust into this. But they're the ones that succeed are the ones that are vulnerable enough to say, I don't know. I gotta trust my CDO or CPO to know where we're at and where we need to go. That is powerful in that same vein. Kind of a sub, find a mentor, somebody that's been there. Talk to them. That vulnerability to find someone and say, look I'm not sure what I'm doing. This is essentially what coaching is. How do I get to where I need to go? How can you help me do that? That takes vulnerability to admit it.

Number three is, celebrate the small successes. Notice I didn't say big successes. Is a gift officer, if you have a little bit of imposter syndrome you should be celebrating. I got that meeting. I made that ask. I closed that gift. Yeah it wasn't a million dollar gift, it was a $25,000 gift. Boy I did it. Great. Because here's the thing. Gift officers closing a $25,000 gift isn't much different than closing a $10 million gift. It may last a little longer. It might be a little more complicated, but the process is the same. Celebrate it. And by the way, closing a planned gift is not much different than closing a cash gift. But if you wait to the end to celebrate you don't have a sense of growth or self-worth that comes from the process that you went through. If you're a chief development officer and you're questioning kind of where you're at in the executive team, celebrate the small successes of trust and and moving them one or two steps forward to a better in alignment and engagement as it pertains to philanthropy. Celebrate those moments and say I got something done. Good for me because what you'll find is, from a psychology perspective, is you'll start replicating that behavior more often to be more successful.

Number four is let go of perfectionism. And I am horrible at this. Just horrible. A great answer, a great result, should be celebrated and not looked at as well we didn't get all the way to perfect. I've been doing this a long time. Gray hairs are showing my career is closer to the end than the beginning. Hopefully not that close, and I don't see a lot of perfection anywhere. And by the way this includes your personal life. I tell my kids all the time, life is more about what you do with it then what happens to you. How you deal with something, adjust, because life isn't perfect. Give up on perfection and realize sometimes a great solution is the only or best solution.

Number five is embrace the idea of self-compassion. Be kind to yourself. It's okay to look at a little bit of this idea of an imposter syndrome and be, gosh everybody has this at one time or another, and it doesn't make you less a person. This is kind of the concept if you go back into the podcast where I talk about Abraham Maslow and the hierarchy of needs. One of my favorite things to talk about from a psychological perspective on how somebody deals with the world and what they think of themselves. This is Maslow's self-actualization, being okay with who you are, your deficits, but also the path to learn. Self-actualization isn't perfection. Going to tie it back to the last one, self-actualization is the ability to be okay with the guy or the gal in the mirror but knowing you can grow. So embrace this idea of self-compassion and don't judge yourself too harshly. One other point on this. One, if you allow everyone else to define who you are then you'll never get to self-actualization. And being kind to yourself. If you allow others to determine how you view yourself you are behind the eight ball before you ever start it. You define who you are. Maybe a couple people around you that you trust, spouse, significant other, an adult child, a parent, whomever, great friend. Hey, they say something, it has value. maybe I should be looking at this but you control who you are don't let others control who you are.

Number six is realize and share your failures. I think one of the things I do do well as a consultant is I talk about the many times I have completely and utterly failed in this profession. There's a number of them, but I grew from them. I think, and I hope the question becomes can you share the failures and help someone else, and in doing so you'll help yourself because you then don't have to worry about someone else thinking of you in a different way in terms of that imposter syndrome.

Number six or number seven and number eight are kind of finales. Number one. Number seven, excuse me, is this idea of realizing your job. And I'm going to steal from a great television show. Ted Lasso is remarkable. If you look at the lessons, now the laughter, at a kind of a primary level of the show and the writing I think is spectacular. But the lessons of the show are actually great. And when I think about Ted lasso and I think about imposter syndrome what you have to know about Ted Lasso is is he's hired as an American football coach to become a soccer, they call it football, soccer manager, head coach. But he knows nothing about soccer. But you're missing the point. Ted Lasso wasn't hired to teach soccer, he said. Lasso was being hired to lead a team, in this case of men, to a journey to grow, to come together, to play as a team. They know soccer. And this comes to the fact of realize what your job is, particularly if you're a chief development officer or an upper leadership. It is not to bring in every dollar, it is to motivate, lead, direct, help, support, pick up, discipline, whatever, a team of people and most importantly in philanthropy, align with the aspect of where we're trying to raise money. So aligning with the higher ed leadership, aligning with the c-suite in hospitals, aligning with the leadership, and maybe social service agencies, realize what your job is. If you do that and have a realization about what it is then you won't have as much imposter syndrome about the things that may not actually be part of what you're trying to accomplish.

The last one is, and I steal from my all-time favorite show The West Wing, in an episode Leo McGarrity is advising the then-governor Jed Bartlett. As they're walking out, why did you pick me? And Leo McGarity says. fake it until you make it. Have faith. Ye who have faith, you shall find it. Give yourself a chance. And if you have to pretend like you know what you're doing, and then realize there's a lot of ways which we just talked about for you to reduce that anxiety and fear, and to become who you want to be as a professional, and know that you probably know 50 times more than you realize, and certainly in comparison to the people you might be dealing with, fake it till you make it works as long as you're willing to work to make it work.

Imposter syndrome. I thought it was an interesting connection. Minute or two longer than normal, and I felt like it was valuable in terms of the opportunity to chat about exactly what I see people going through and how maybe this could be just helpful in their daily lives and in development.

Don't forget, check out the blogs at Hallett Philanthropy, that's www.halletphilanthropy.com. Two a week and get RSS, come right to you. And if you want to reach out to me that's podcast@hallettphilanthropy.com. Love to hear from you. If you have a suggestion on topic or two, or a comment as well. Don't forget, what you're doing is important. You have great value, whether you think you do or you understand that value, you're doing great things. We need philanthropy to be an important part of what we're trying to accomplish in our communities, now more than ever, and it's more complicated now more than ever. So don't forget my favorite saying, some people make things happen, some people watch things happen, then there are those who wondered what happened. You are someone who makes someone, something happen. You partner with philanthropists who make things happen, and you're doing it for the things and the people who are wondering what happened. At the end of the day that has value. There is no imposter syndrome when it comes to making a difference. Philanthropy definition, love of mankind, love of humankind, and that's what you do each and every day. I hope you feel it, know it, and can accept it. I'll look forward to seeing you right back here on another edition of "Around with Randall" and don't forget make it a great day.